How to get your partner to do their share of the chores

How to get your partner to do their share of the chores

24 July 2023

It’s a stressful weekday morning and you and your partner are having a fight about the dirty dishes in the sink for the millionth time. It sucks!

And yes, in your sane moments you appreciate each other’s contributions and your ability to forge a modern relationship, but when the chaos of life gets real, you turn on each other and things get messy. Why is it so hard for “some people” to do their fair share?!

Of all the things couples fight about, division of household labor is often at the top of the list.

If you feel frustrated, underappreciated and totally overwhelmed with your to-do list, well, it’s time to have that conversation.

Where to start? First of all, lead with how you feel. Ask for what you need to feel how you want to feel, rather than making it about how your partner has been failing you. Discuss what would make you feel more supported, and avoid the blame game. Try to explain what’s in it for everybody: “My goal is to feel closer to you and more like a team. I love you and don’t want to feel angry or overwhelmed.”

Everyday tasks need doing, whether it’s cleaning the litter box, loading the dishwasher, or remembering to transfer the cash for rent. So, is the goal a clean 50/50 chore split? Maybe not. When it comes to chores, 50/50 simply does not exist. How many dishes done equals laundry folded? The secret is to aim for a workload that feels fair to both partners.

Here’s how to split the chores with your partner – minus the drama:

  • Write chores down and toss them in a jar. Each partner can choose a few to do each day for a week. This way, the same things won’t fall to the same person each time. Keep it random.
  • Insert allocated household chores on a spreadsheet and post it on the fridge. Revisit to see whether things are getting done. But be flexible. Are this week’s conference calls at odds with your carpool schedule? Nothing says, “I love you” like, “I’ll do that today honey.”
  • Do it together. Finding time that you and your partner are both free and using it to work on your shared space can feel a lot like teamwork. Crank up the music and reward yourself with beers afterwards. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that couples who share household duties have better sex! Just saying.
  • Trust your partner to do it right. Never swoop in and “fix” completed work. Encourage the effort and verbalize appreciation. Also, ask yourself: “What can we stop doing?” Sometimes we repeat tasks we witnessed our parents doing or focus on what our circle of friends are doing.
  • Outsource chores. Getting a bit of extra help now and then could make all the difference.

Remember, when the practical aspects run smoothly, there is much more peace and harmony.

Compromise is likely to be required here! And patience … lots and lots of patience.

Source: cosmopolitan.com, ndr.org, verywellmind.com, ideas.ted.com, focusonthefamily.ca, womenshealthmag.com, prevention.com, mindbodygreen.com, realsimple.com, nytimes.com

DISCLAIMER: The information on this website is for educational purposes only, and is not intended as medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you are experiencing symptoms or need health advice, please consult a healthcare professional.

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