Dealing with a difficult mother-in-law can be one of the most emotionally draining parts of a marriage. Whether it’s passive aggressive comments, unwanted interference, or a constant struggle for approval, many daughters-in-law find themselves overwhelmed and unsure of how to navigate the relationship. Although many daughters-in-law enjoy positive and supportive connections with their partner’s mother, conflict and tension are notoriously part of this dynamic. In fact, according to a study cited in The Guardian, over 60% of women report challenges with their in-laws—particularly their mother-in-law—leading to elevated stress and dissatisfaction in their personal lives.

If you’re seeking practical and respectful ways to handle a difficult mother-in-law, this guide offers expert-backed relationship advice that prioritises emotional well-being, healthy boundaries, and long-term harmony.

Understanding The Complexity

Family relationships, especially those acquired through marriage, can be complex and  emotionally nuanced. Tension often arises from the unique emotional roles both women play in a man’s life. Terri Apter, psychologist and author of What do you want from me? highlights that while mothers-in-law may feel displaced, daughters-in-law frequently perceive criticism or exclusion. According to Apter this can lead to competition or defensiveness, especially when communication lacks empathy.

Ultimately, your emotional health and that of your marriage should take precedence over attempts to change someone else. The good news is that with the right strategies, daughters-in-law can protect their peace, preserve their marriage, and sometimes even build a more respectful relationship.

8 Expert-Backed Tips for Navigating a Difficult Mother-in-Law

1. Respond, Don’t React
When faced with criticism or passive-aggressive comments, maintain composure. Avoid emotional retaliation. A calm, thoughtful response sets a respectful tone and prevents further conflict. Taking a moment to breathe and reflect before speaking can help you communicate with purpose rather than impulse.

2. Set Healthy Boundaries with In-Laws
Boundaries are essential in every relationship—especially with in-laws. Decide what is acceptable and what is not, and kindly express those limits. Nedra Glover Tawwab, therapist and author of the book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, emphasises that boundaries promote mutual respect and prevent resentment. Clearly defined limits help reduce anxiety and confusion, making family dynamics more manageable and predictable.

3. Show Kindness Without Losing Yourself
Small gestures, like compliments or asking for light-hearted advice, can help soften the relationship. While you may not change her behaviour overnight, consistent kindness makes your intentions clear and may shift her attitude over time. Kindness is a strength, not a weakness, and practicing it consistently reinforces your emotional integrity.

4. Keep Your Partner Involved—but Avoid Ultimatums
In cases of repeated disrespect, your partner should take the lead in communicating concerns to his mother. However, be mindful not to force him to choose sides. Present a united front, but avoid framing the situation as a competition between “wife vs. mother.”
Healthy communication between partners can reinforce the sense of teamwork and prevent unnecessary blame or resentment.

5. Don’t Take Everything Personally
Often, difficult behaviour stems from her own insecurities, not from something you’ve done. Try to detach emotionally and remind yourself: this isn’t about me. As psychologist and author of the book The Dance of Connection Harriet Lerner notes that emotional distancing can help preserve peace without sacrificing yourself. Understanding the root of her behaviour can empower you to respond with empathy instead of defensiveness.

6. Include Her Where Appropriate
Inviting her to spend time with your children or join occasional family events can help her feel valued and reduce tension. Studies show that intergenerational involvement benefits family unity. Creating space for her in certain areas of your life can build trust and reduce feelings of exclusion.

7. Let Go of Needing Her Approval
Not everyone will like or approve of your choices—and that’s okay. You don’t need validation from your in-laws to build a happy, secure family. Your priority is your relationship with your partner and your well-being. Accepting this truth can liberate you from the pressure to please and allow you to focus on what truly matters.

8. Accept What You Cannot Change
Some relationships may never be harmonious. When efforts fail, focus on polite coexistence. Limit unnecessary interaction and protect your emotional space while remaining respectful. Peace of mind often comes not from fixing others but from gracefully managing your own reactions and expectations.

Conclusion

Building and maintaining harmony in this relationship is not only beneficial for individual well-being but also contributes to the overall health of the marital relationship and family unit. Prioritise peace, embrace perspective, and choose your battles wisely. However, you deserve respect, peace, and emotional support in your marriage.

While healing or improving a relationship with your mother-in-law may take time and patience, it is possible through clear boundaries, empathy, and mutual understanding.

Still have questions? Here are answers to a few common concerns:

Q: What are signs of a toxic mother-in-law?
A: Signs include constant criticism, undermining your authority, passive-aggressiveness, or trying to control decisions in your marriage or your parenting.

Q: Should I confront my mother-in-law directly?
A: It depends. If the situation allows for calm discussion, yes—but always prioritise your emotional safety and consider having your spouse mediate.

Q: What if she refuses to respect boundaries?
A: Enforce them consistently. Limit interactions if necessary. Your peace of mind is more important than maintaining an illusion of harmony.

References

1. Apter, T. (2024). Family matters: Learning to love your in-laws. https://terriapter.com/2017/10/20/family-matters-learning-to-love-your-in-laws/
2. Brubaker, T. H., et al. (1999). The four Rs of intergenerational relationships: Implications for practice. Michigan Family Review, 4(2). https://tinyurl.com/52xtckez
3. Dr. Leonie White. (2021). “The Dance of Connection” book review. https://www.drleoniewhite.com/post/the-dance-of-connection-book-review
4. Fedhealth. (2016). How to stay connected to your partner. https://www.fedhealth.co.za/articles/how-to-stay-connected-to-your-partner/
5. Laurel Therapy Collective. (2024). Therapeutic book review: Set boundaries, find peace by Nedra Tawwab. https://www.laureltherapy.net/blog/book-review-set-boundaries-find-peace
6. Mommy Mundo. (2021, March 15). The psychology of in-laws. https://mommymundo.com/2021-3-15-the-psychology-of-in-laws/
7. Rubin, G. (2009). Ten tips for getting along with your mother-in-law. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-happiness-project/200909/ten-tips-getting-along-your-mother-in-law
8. The Guardian. (2008, November 30). In-law tensions hit women the hardest. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2008/nov/30/women-family